Blogging Dress Rehersal

I had planned on spending a portion of my evening tonight resuming my blog life on my new fancy schmancy Macbook Pro. Instead I'm typing away on my non Macbook Pro otherwise scandalously known as my work laptop. However the DHL people did not completely disappoint. They did have something for me to pick up this afternoon, but you can imagine my surprise when instead of my sleek and shiny new toy, all I got was an airline adapater and the iWork software. No worries though I've got my non-existent Macbook all wired up and ready to go in my imaginary plane where I need to create a presentation that would be ten times easier in powerpoint. Life is good.

Actually other than having to wait another day or two for my new whiz bang electronic contraption, life has been pretty good. Work is well....that's another topic. However life in general is rather lovely. I just got back from a detox retreat in Thailand; and before you ask how it was, it was literally shitty. With that said I had a good experience and would love to go back again for a longer stay. However you have to realize the program was a fast with herbs, psylium powder shakes and twice daily colonic for a total of 5 days. It wasn't your typical holiday of gluttony and sight seeing, unless you count the view I got while hanging over the banister puking my guts out after a morning yoga session. Apparently my chi or breath or something was off balance resulting in the sudden need to paint the underside of the patio with my own herbal pill/stomach acid stain.

Anywhoo on top of the fasting, I also had some sessions with a few new age healers/ therapists /slightly fruity people. All and all I'm apparently on the right life path. However they did recommend that I start expressing my creative side, which is why I'm back to blogging. Well that and I'm completely narsosistic and enjoy the idea of people actually reading my random gibberish. So I guess I'm back at it again, which knowing me could be a week or a day. To tie you over until I have another desire to blog, here are some photos of my time in Thailand. As you can tell by the lameness of the shots I was more into trying to find the meaning of life than I was into taking pictures. However in between colonics, massages, herbal steams, gooey fiber shakes, and compost like herbal pills, I did go on a great bike ride, learned Muay Thai kickboxing, did some yoga, went to a night market, met some wonderful people, lost 5 lbs, got crispy on the beach, and discovered the joys and amazing healing powers of all things coconut.

My Room that also included a full kitchen and bath

Stormy Day at the Beach After a 30min bike ride

Sunny But Windy Day at the Beach

(red flag means it's dangerous and don't swim.)

Charlotte's 25th Birthday Coconut

(we were only allowed coconut water, fresh lime juice, water, and caffiene free herbal tea)

Someone Else's Random Thoughts

So I actually stumbled across this when I was reading another blog. It's a complete rip off of someone else's humor, but I don't care because it's that funny. Enjoy and maybe one day when I'm feeling witty I'll make up my own list of random thoughts.

And by one day I mean weeks and weeks from now when my stress levels return to a normal level.

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM SOME RANDOM GUY....

- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

- More often than not when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo, and it wouldn't work? You would take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much that it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that it really is a good movie and that I have excellent taste.

- The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that “both go left, both go right” game to no avail so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

(Editor's Note: Smiling and nodding has become my main form of communication. In fact I don't even ask "what?" anymore because broken English sounds just as garbled no matter how many times you have someone repeat it)

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

(Editor's Note: This does not happen in Asia no matter how much I hope and pray because the concept of waiting your turn doesn't exist. However I have no idea what they're all in a hurry for because they certainly don't move fast once they get there. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen anyone walk briskly. Instead they laugh as I quickly walk past them on my way to get shit done!)

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new guy, I'm terrified of mentioning something he hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lights than Kay.

- The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

The Stories I Should of Told

The last few months have definitely been eventful and full of blog worthy stories. I could claim the delay was due to being busy, but I'm always busy so that's really a lousy excuse. The truth of the matter is that I was lazy. Taking the effort after work to actually turn my computer on, try and get an internet connect, and then finally come up with something witty just seemed far too daunting. However, I've turned over a new leaf. With less than 9 months left in Malaysia, I've realized that I need to start documenting my woe's and wows because at the ripe old age of 25 (+3), my memory is already starting to fade, and I'd like a little something more than club pictures from KL to look back on.

So I'm vowing, at least for tonight while avoiding doing my work budget, to re-enter the blog world. With that said, I had planned on doing a synopsis of the eventful or just funny things that have happened since my last blog, but I just realized that the tourist and his pleasantly plump, slightly whiny cousin are arriving in Kuantan soon and I'd prefer to present some semblance of personal hygiene. Though my co-workers have come to expect my 'wrinkled khakis, unbrushed bun, smudged mascara" look, I'm still trying to keep the illusion of proper grooming alive for the tourist.

Anywhoo...here are some pictures of me clubbing in KL. I seriously do other things than club, but I either don't have a camera or don't want photographic evidence of what I look like so enjoy...

The Tourist and ME on my Birthday

ME and Shahriar (Reza's Cousin)

Reza's 80 year old grandpa dancing at my birthday BBQ.

It’s the Police…Put Down Your Ice Cream

Last night was an innocent night as any, after a few extra hours at work I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some fruit for the next day, and I couldn’t resist picking up a small tub of Hagen Daz. Though most of the milk products here taste funny, they import the Hagen Daz, and it’s just as creamy and wonderful as it is back home.

Anywhoo…instead of rushing to my apartment to devour, I mean have a small, healthy portion, of my ice cream. I decided to stop at the beach on the bottom of the hill that leads up to my apartment to call my dad.

A bit of background before I begin, Malaysian cell phone reception is not the most reliable; and as I may have written previously, I don’t get reception in my apartment. So at night while 99% of everyone I know is going about there days and is available to talk, I’m in the black hole of reception. There is always my home phone, but I’m pretty sure smoke signals are more effective. When I do try and use it, the battery on the handset usually dies right after I’ve entered the 125 digits needed to complete the call, but if all my years of upper level math classes work out and the hand set has been charging for the past 2 months, I occasionally get to talk to the person. However I still have to deal with less than perfect reception and spend most of the time saying, “Can you hear me” and “What did you say?” To prevent throwing my lousy excuse for a home phone and accidently injuring my hair ball of joy (aka Gidget the biting kitten extraordinaire), I’ve come up with a solution. I will admit it’s not a good one, but I promise it is far less frustrating.

First there’s the cell phone sweet spot in the parking garage that I use for quick calls. Of course it’s located directly under an air conditioning duct, which has a tendency to kick on about 30 seconds after I started the call. That means the person on the other end not only gets to enjoy mediocre reception but the intermittent sound of cars driving by and the air conditioning fan kicking off and on. It’s fun. Just ask any of my family members. For longer calls, I often get in my car and drive down the hill to park at the “beach”, like I did last night.

Now I use the term beach loosely. Granted there is some sand, and you can walk into the sea from the concrete/sand pad. However actually getting to the water requires you to hurdle piles of rubbish, and the water is anything but nice. Apparently the concept of throwing your trash into an actual trash can vs. the sea/beach is completely lost on most of the people who park there. Actually that concept appears to be lost on most Malaysians at all times, but I digress.

During the day my phone booth/landfill/beach is usually full of families and sometimes couples that like to park there and eat. However at night things get interesting and the parking spot becomes a bustle of non-muslim activities. Though most teenagers prefer the nicer beach down the road where you actually have to get out of your car and walk to a dark spot to do things like drugs and fornicate, the lazy or super secretive like to frequent the trash beach because they get darkness and get to stay in their car. In addition to the parked car fornicators, there’s also usually about 4 or 5 wild boar that wander from the jungle to rummage through the trash. Did I mention wild boar scare me? I’m pretty convinced they’re going to charge my little go cart of a car and destroy it every time I see them. My sister thinks it’s hilarious and spent a good hour laughing at me over the phone, while I freaked out about being attacked by a herd of boar. There’s a good $40 wasted. Thank you international calling rates. Anywhoo…the Malaysian police in all their wisdom (note sarcasm) have figured out all those people can’t be at trash beach after midnight looking at the view so they’ve started patrolling. By patrolling I mean they drive by with their lights on. This has apparently been a good deterrent since the number of people has definitely dropped, which is a good thing. I really don’t like being the one to accidently catch two good Muslim girls playing grab ass in the Myvi next to me. Seriously, I’m not a voyeur. Go do that stuff on deserted roads, where there are no witnesses, like good Midwestern kids. So jump back to last night.

I knew that if I went into my apartment with my tub of tastiness there was a low likelihood I was going to come out again before the morning. Instead I parked at trash beach with every intention of having a few bites and then making the much needed call to my dad. Well let’s just say I was more than a few bites in when the Police car came creeping by the beach with its lights on. I laughed,didn’t think anything of it and went back to the ice cream. Then the car turned around and pulled up behind me. I froze. The guilt of a having consumed half a tub of ice cream got to me, and I immediately tossed the container in the bag as Mr. Officer sauntered up to me.

“Good evening officer.” I said as I rolled down my window. I don’t even know if they’re called officers in Malaysia, but I was still full of 1,000 of calories of tasty ice cream guilt.

“Is there a problem?” He asked.

“Nope just eating some dinner and waiting to make a phone call. I live up at Tembeling, and my hand phone doesn’t work there.” I answered hoping all he could see was a plastic bag and not my poor excuse for a meal.

“Okay so where are you from?” He asked. Are you kidding, as if my country of origin had any bearing on the validity of my story?

“America.” I said politely.

“So how long have you been in Malaysia?” He asked. Seriously, homeboy was trying to have a conversation. He asked a few more typical questions; and thankfully went on his way. I then glared at my tub of guilt and called my dad to relay the story to his voicemail.

I think I may start doing all my snacking on trash beach. Getting caught by the police is definitely a great deterrent.

Cliff Notes of the Last Month...Or So

Despite a series of Friday photo posts that I pre created one evening, I really haven’t posted since my Redang vacation teaser. There’s really no good reason beyond a bit of laziness. So for inquiring minds, which at this point probably only includes my mother who has yet to master the art of calling me international to confirm whether I’m dead or alive, here’s a bulleted list of what’s been going on. On a side note, I don’t know what I’d do without bulleted lists. Perhaps I would ramble endlessly…oh wait. Well at any rate here’s my list, which is just my way of rambling without correct sentence structure:

- 3 days, 2 nights at Redang island
o Snorkeled
o Saw a BIG baby shark
o The Tourist and I almost got taken out to sea by a strong current. Luckily, we swam out of it, but I almost lost my bikini bottoms to the current. There’s nothing sexier than swimming for your life with a dolphin kick because you’re using your ankles to frantically hold on to your bottoms. Not to mention I’m also pretty pathetic at the dolphin kick so there is a possibility that there was an intermittent full moon for all the marine park to see.
o Played beach football (soccer)
o Made a local guy cry during football…ok not really but he did lie on the ground for awhile in pain and then limped off the field. I apparently have very strong shins, and he’ll never live down being taken out by a blonde girl in a pink tank top.
o Got bruised and cut up playing beach football

- Continued food and bathroom trauma. Despite many attempts I cannot get used to fish heads and squatting pots.

- My little sister got high jacked and robbed with a group of other MSU students while volunteering in Guatemala

- Started playing futsal with Malay boys from work, which usually means lots of giggling from them and not so spectacular play from me. If I have one more guy tell me that I have big, strong legs, I’m going to point out how tiny and feminine his legs are.

- My maternal step grandma died the same day of my paternal grandpa’s funeral

- Started smoking again…apparently other people’s death inspires me to once again begin killing myself

- Discovered my amazing anti smoking pills that I had been intermittently taking before I started smoking again made me crazy. More specifically they’re great happy pills until you miss a dose and then my brain chemistry goes into withdrawals, and I’m super depressed girl.

- Started taking said pills again because I suck at quitting smoking without them. Apparently the choice is to either kill myself slowly or be a non-smoker who has lost the will to live. Decisions, decisions

- Met a fantastic British girl name Charlie that unlike the other expats is under the age of 40, plus she’s an absolute riot that makes me look introverted.

- Made friends with a lovely lady boy (transvestite), who is as equally attracted to me as s/he is to my boyfriend.

- Started and stopped working out more times than I can count

- The Tourist has developed the art of sarcasm in English. I have no idea where he could have learned that from, and I constantly remind him how much cuter he was when he was the quiet non-english speaking boy toy.

- Got really, really sick for one week. First with a nasty cough, then with a stomach virus, and then both at the same time.

- Kipikstied in my pants Charlotte style while driving home during above week of sickness and death.

- Went scuba diving for the first time, in which I lost air and had to make an emergency ascent resulting in a slight case of the Benz.

- Made friends with one of the top guys of the Malaysian Indian mafia, who is really quite nice.

- Last but not least, I just spent the last weekend celebrating The Tourist’s 25th birthday by spending the holiday weekend in the rainforest with him and his friend Mamali.

So those are the highlights in no particular order. I’m sure there’s more to come because despite my laziness, I actually miss blogging.